She
by pitterpatterpat
Summary: Harry Potter's seventh year, as told from the point of Ginny Weasley. This fic explores her emotional upheavals throughout the year and the Second Wizarding War, but everything else belongs to J.K. Rowling, and not me.


She plugged in her earphones, turned her attention to the velvet black sky and looked upwards. _How does it feel to be the one left behind? I always thought I was stronger than this_. She moved her finger over the sound button, turning the volume up. _It never felt this bad before. I've never really been part of his life, have I? What am I, some filler activity? _She turned the volume even higher as tears welled up in her eyes. She willed them not to flow out. She would not allow them to, because in her opinion, crying was useless. Crying did nothing to help with the situation. And yet, she couldn't help it. The tears silently and inevitably came. She closed her eyes and felt the cool night breeze against her cheek. Together with the sad music pounding through her ears, it felt like catharsis.

She lusted after this deepening hollowness forming in her chest. It made her feel better; she was allowing herself to be properly upset. She had tried so hard not to be. She knew there really was no rational reason to be unhappy. This was so trivial compared to what her world was facing. She understood that her problem was really not a problem at all. But she also knew she was upset, and just for once, before she returned to the place where such Muggle equipment would not work due to the sheer amount of magic in the air, she had to get in touch, deeply in touch with her emotions and set them free. There were no sounds to be heard because she wasn't crying. She merely let loose the tears within and music engulfed them.

After a long while, she began feeling tired. Her logical brain took advantage of the lowered guard and sprang into action, reminding her of the long day(s) that lay ahead. She must get some rest. Sighing, she turned off the music player and placed it in her bedside drawer. She wouldn't be needing it any further. Yet the emptiness in her chest remained. She took a brief glance at the empty camp bed beside her and felt her heart constrict. She climbed into her bed and hid under her covers. _Of course_, she thought bitterly. _Even Hermione left with them. It's good they have her with them, they'll be much safer this way. But I cannot help it. They left, just like that. It's as if I don't even matter._ She forced herself to stop encouraging these thoughts and after a long struggle, fatigue took charge and she fell softly asleep.

* * *

><p>The next day, she sat quietly by the window as the Hogwarts Express rumbled along green pastures and blue skies. <em>Where is he now? Is he safe? Is he even alive? Is he thinking about me, just like I am about him?<em> She wanted her music player so badly. Last night felt so good, she wanted to escape into the safety clutches of music once more. She took a deep breath to remind herself of the triviality of her feelings. She tore her gaze from the scenery and tried to engage in the conversations taking place amongst the other Gryffindors in her compartment. She couldn't. She felt so suffocated, it took all her willpower to stay in her place and remain placid.

Finally, the train came to a stop and people filed out of the train into either boats or carriages that seem to run by themselves. But she knew otherwise. She took her time to gather her things, all the while hurrying her friends ahead of her. She had never wanted to be alone so badly. She had never felt so anti-social in her life. Her heart felt so tight, she wanted nothing to do with anyone. She dragged her feet off the train and into the last remaining carriage. She was glad that she did not know the other three students personally, and remained exceptionally quiet throughout the drive towards Hogwarts Castle. She kept to herself during the Feast, taking small bites of a Yorkshire Pudding but tasting none of it. She heard Headmaster Snape making the usual comments Professor Dumbledore used to make, but it did not feel the same. It did not feel safe. A sense of danger lingered in the air, and she was fully aware of it. But she did not want to care. As the students around her stood up and jostled towards the exit of the Great Hall after the Feast, she felt like she was there, but that she wasn't. She felt like she was living, but she knew she wasn't fully alive. She felt so, so much as torrents of emotion raged within her, yet her facial expressions gave nothing away. She stood up as the Great Hall emptied and with a great sigh within, dragged her feet once more back to the Gryffindor tower.

* * *

><p>It continued for days and people were beginning to notice. Attractive, cheerful and independent Ginny Weasley was suddenly quiet, sombre and quite emotionless. She was doing everything by herself. She ate by herself, made no move to sit with her usual friends during class, and even as Quidditch captain, she spoke only when there was a need to. Ginny Weasley was turning weird. But she did not mind what others thought. She was glad for the space and quiet. She had so much to mull over in her head. Neville and Luna had approached her about continuing Dumbledore's Army, and she had agreed. It was the least she could do, while <em>he<em> was out in the world fighting Voldemort. She had no problem leading the other DA members as they practiced in the Room of Requirement. She had no qualms about breaking rules and sprawling paint on walls, reminding Snape that there were still people within Hogwarts loyal to the previous Headmaster. She had no complaints about her punishments in the Forbidden Forest, she had in fact, quite enjoyed the night strolls with Hagrid. She was still Ginny. And yet deep down she knew, something within her had perished.

* * *

><p>Then, Luna left and did not return after Christmas. The hollowness within her grew. <em>Not only Hermione then. Even Luna. I don't need Dementors, I would be as empty as one kissed by a Dementor by the time they get to me.<em>

She moved on, because life never stopped for anyone. But she was keenly aware of the many things she had left behind. Too many, in fact. And from then on, each step forward, each smile extended, each eye met, required a humongous effort from her. She did not know how much more could she take. She busied herself with lessons, homework, Quidditch and DA trainings. When she felt like she couldn't take it anymore, she mounted her Cleansweep Seven and flew about the pitch. _Flying is a wondrous thing. As amazing as music. _She breathed in the cool air as the grandstands whizzed past her. _At the very least, the night breeze wakes me and reminds me to be thankful for every breath I take. And yet, if I should fall off the broom and die right now, it wouldn't be half as bad_. As she made another pass through the middle loop that a Keeper was supposed to guard, she allowed her Quidditch memories to fill her from within. The first time she was allowed on the team as Chaser, the practices when Harry was captain, the matches themselves... She stopped her tears again. That night, she decided. She would not cry. She would not allow herself to crumble and succumb to the waves of emotions because they would break her. She would not even allow herself the tiniest hope of reuniting with him, because she knew what he must do. And just as he remained fighting bravely in the world, so would she. She would battle alongside him till the end.

* * *

><p>Soon, Easter came. She left Hogwarts for the holidays and found herself not being able to return. But she knew Neville could handle it, and she was torn between feeling upset and glad for the change in arrangements. She could now do whatever she liked - practise disarming and stupefying spells in Aunt Muriel's backyard, listen to the radio for any news of Ron, Hermione and of course, Harry (after the relief of knowing that they had somehow managed to escape from Malfoy's Manor), plug in her earphones whenever she needed to retreat into the mass of her feelings... With the privacy of a personal room, she could now let the music sound as loud as her emotions needed them to. Whenever she felt particularly upset and alone, she still had her mother's fabulous mince pies to fall back on. Even in these times, especially in these times.<p>

In the day, Ginny Weasley was normal. At night, she revealed herself to be no more than a living zombie. Every night, she sat by her window with music in her ears, wondering where _he_ was and angry at the total lack of contact, but grateful nevertheless that he was at least safe from Voldemort's clutches, for now. She became increasingly adept at firing spells and protecting herself, to her mother's delight. Each day passed as such, sleeping, waking, breathing, but not living. She was content as long as there was no news of them. Because in times like these, no news meant good news.

* * *

><p>This day on the first of May, she was sitting in her room, staring blankly into the grey skies outside when her door burst open. She took a glance at the gleaming gold coin in her brother's hand and leapt up from her seat. Her heart started pumping faster and for the first time in too long, she grinned. She grinned from her heart. The hollowness within her started filling up with anticipation, excitement and other good things. She dashed out of the house with her brothers and, standing between the twins, she found herself turning into darkness and she squeezed through space and time. <em>Finally<em>. She thought happily as her feet found solid ground. She was in Hogsmeade, right outside the Hog's Head.

Things then happened in a flash.

As she went into the passageway towards Hogwarts, her insides churned with all sorts of emotions. She was ecstatic, _Harry was back_. She was scared, _what is going to happen from here?_ She was nervous, _what do I say to him?_ She was miffed, _what is Cho Chang doing here? _She was fired up, _we're going to fight like we never have before_. She wanted so badly to get to the end of the tunnel, and yet she never dreaded reaching the end as much as she did then. Somehow, she knew. She knew that Harry's return to Hogwarts Castle held more meaning more than it looked. She sensed that this time, the fight was for real, the fight to the end. She didn't know what to expect. She had a million answers, yet none was satisfactory. She knew the prophecy, and if only one could live, how could she not dread getting through to the end of the tunnel? She realised, with a flutter in her stomach, she cared for him deeply. More than she ever expressed, more than she even knew herself. Fear began building up in her, but as always, her countenance did nothing to give her away. She hurried through the passage with her brothers, Lee and Cho, with only her clammy hands and pounding heart as evidence to show just how scared she was. She kept the thought of Harry alive in her mind and trudged along.

* * *

><p>She heard arguments coming from the room at the end of the passage. The fluttering in her stomach increased and her palms grew sweaty as she approached the end. She reached the hole first and climbed in. Her brown eyes spotted the jet-black hair almost instantly. His green eyes found her too. Her heart soared. <em>He is alive, his limbs are attached to him still, he is here, in the same room as me!<em> He, however, did not look at all pleased to see her. In fact, his was a look of anguish. She understood, but she had to be there. She shot him her most radiant smile at him in defiance.

As the discussion began, once again she heard but was not listening. She looked at him as he took charge. She looked at him as he asked if anyone knew about Ravenclaw's diadem. _I missed you, Harry. Even if it's looking at you from a distance like this. Did you miss me? _Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Cho getting to her feet and snapped out of her thoughts immediately. She did not want Cho Chang to have anything to do with Harry, even if she herself was in no position to oppose. In any case, no one seemed to care when she spoke up. Cho sat down and Luna went out of the Room of Requirement with Harry.

Conversations broke out inside the room and she stayed in her seat, reining in the emotions within her. Strangely, after she had confirmed Harry's safety, she no longer felt fearful. In fact, she felt increasingly ready to fight. She glanced around her where people were talking animatedly. Everyone here knew and anticipated the worst. Everyone came anyway. She saw the big picture. She wasn't ashamed of her inner turmoil concerning Harry, she recognised that she could not control how she felt. But she also knew what was more important at the moment. Her anti-social mood snapped and she stood up. She walked briskly towards the bushy haired girl who had grown to be quite pretty, and they embraced. Hermione led her away to a quiet corner and filled her in. She knew that the three of them still kept certain things to themselves. But she trusted them. She was content with whatever Hermione had to say. As quickly as it begun though, Hermione seemed to recall something and left with Ron for a bathroom in a hurry. Ginny Weasley was left alone in her thoughts again.

Before long, more and more people came through the passageway from Hogsmeade. The dead part of her began to revive. She hugged her father and mother. She hugged her ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. She hugged her eldest brother and sister-in-law. Then the door opened without warning, and Harry and Luna came running in. He stumbled down a few steps as he took in the sight. She almost giggled. He announced that a fight was in order, and the room roared. People hollered as they made a mad rush for the doorway, and she made to follow her friends. She couldn't. She was held back by her furious mother.

Her mother was yelling at her; she was too young, underage, unsafe... These words failed to penetrate her mind as she retorted angrily that she had come to fight. It was no use. _Even Bill doesn't approve of me going,_ she thought, infuriated. Angry tears sparkled in her eyes, but she forced them back as she shouted at her mother, at Bill, at Fleur, at Fred and George...

She locked eyes with him for the first time that night. Her brown ones pierced his green ones. She wanted him to support her, to approve of her fighting... She knew that he knew she could take care of herself. Her brown eyes beseeched him to say she could go and fight. Because her mother might just give in if Harry said okay...

His heart clenched as her brown eyes implored him. But he wouldn't, he couldn't, allow her to put herself in danger. He shook his head quietly, and his heart tightened as he sensed her bitterness. She turned away.

_He doesn't want me here. He doesn't want me._

She berated herself silently for having such childish thoughts at a crucial moment like this. Suddenly, she became more aware than ever that the hollowness within had returned. She didn't want to care anymore. She felt stupid but she couldn't help it. _I give up. I'll leave. I'll leave and... _She stared at the entrance to the tunnel back to the Hog's Head. She had only begun saying goodbye when another of her brothers came bursting in, startling everyone.

There was a round of reconciliation and her intelligence kicked in. She eased away from the warm family scene (even though she was herself very happy about Percy's return) and moved towards the stone steps leading to the exit. She had gone no more than two steps up when her mother caught her. Lupin intervened and suggested that if she agreed to stay put in the Room of Requirement, she need not leave. She didn't like the idea, but as her father looked unusually stern, she gave in.

The room emptied and soon, for the first time in a year, she was left alone with him. He did not seem to be affected by this fact, and instead, wondered about the whereabouts of his best friends. She toughened her exterior as she told him what she knew.

* * *

><p>She felt sorely tempted to leave the Room, but she had given her word and had no reason to step out. Furthermore, Mrs Longbottom and Tonks had come through the hole and she felt slightly cheered.<p>

The door burst open and Harry, Ron and Hermione walked in. After a quick exchange of words, the other two ladies sped off in the direction of the Castle. He then told her she had to leave the room for a quick moment; she couldn't be more ecstatic. She almost flew out of the room when given permission to leave, and tried not to hear as Harry shouted for her to come back in in a bit.

As she stepped into the Castle proper, she felt fired up again. For the second time that night, the dead in her began to come alive. Tonks was firing spells out of the window and she took her place beside Tonks. She had been dying to try the many spells she spent April perfecting, and as she took aim at a couple of fighters below, the three of them came out of the room. She shot well, and was delighted by Aberforth's booming praise as he ran past, with Tonks fast on his heels as soon as she got hold of news of Lupin. The three of them went back into the Room, and she was left quite alone.

She hesitated for a split second, before taking off and ran as fast as her toned legs would take her. She ran down the stairs towards the Great Hall. _I'm not a little girl, _she thought obstinately, _I am going to fight like a Weasley!_

* * *

><p>She had sensed correctly earlier. This fight was like no other. It was not even a fight. It was War. It was a war to survive. It was a war so that others before them had not died in vain. She fought bravely, missing death by a couple of inches a few times. Suddenly, everything ceased and Voldemort's voice rang loud and clear. He wanted Harry to turn himself in. As the war took a momentary pause, the Good Side gathered the injured and dead in the Great Hall. She wiped her the sweat from her face and looked around. She spotted flaming redheads immediately. She began walking in their direction, careful not to tread on anyone.<p>

Her family was crowding around something. She hastened to join them. They were in the middle of the Great Hall. Her heart hammered. She gripped her wand so tightly until her knuckles became white. _Nothing has happened, everything is fine._ She reassured herself as she approached her family. _Nothing fatal, nobody di-_

A lump formed in her throat as she drew in a shaky breath. She took one more step forward and saw who lay in the middle. _Two ears... Fred._ For the first time in her life, muffled sobs overcame her. She retreated and stumbled backwards, she would not believe it. _No, no, no! Fred? How could it be? How could it be? How... How could it not be?_ She covered her mouth as she shook with anguish. Childhood memories played back in her head like an age-old film. Fred and George playing tricks on Ron, turning Ron's teddybear into a giant spider, Fred and George being cheeky to their father, and encouraging her to take part in their little schemes, Fred and George turning Percy's Head Boy badge into something that said bigHead Boy... She stole a glance at George, who was kneeling at Fred's head. She could not imagine how George must be feeling. She shook so bad she dropped her wand. Before she knew it, Hermione picked it up and drew her into a tight hug, a gesture that meant so much to her in that instant.

Something within her died when she saw Fred's lifeless body, and she knew that this time, nothing would ever revive it.

* * *

><p>Harry Potter is dead... She felt her heart stop as Voldemort's thundering voice rang within the Castle. The Great Hall froze over. Her ears could not take in anymore, and her mind stopped functioning. Her legs gave way and Ron caught her. She fell at Fred's feet, and felt her world stop around her. <em>Harry... Dead? <em>Her lower lip quivered as she stared blankly ahead. She did not want to believe it. She... Would not believe it. _It might be one of Voldemort's schemes! _She looked upwards at Ron who stood towering over her. She tried to stand. She demanded to know where Harry was.

But his best friends had no idea. He had walked into the Great Hall with them previously, but no one saw him leave. Neville ran into the hall, saying he had seen Harry moments ago... The Great Hall fired up with this news, Harry might still be alive!

Feelings came back into her legs as she got up. Together with the great mass of survivors, she walked out into the Entrance Hall. Harry was still alive, she was sure of it. She would fight, and she would not believe -

For the second time that night, her heart stopped. There was no mistaking who Hagrid was carrying. For a moment, he looked like he might be just sleeping. But one look at Hagrid's tear stained face and she felt as though her heart was ripped mercilessly from her. She cringed as McGonagall shouted in despair.

She took another look at the lifeless body and her world came crashing down. Ron and Hermione both yelled in desperation. She could not take it anymore, she yelled his name. She yelled his name a second time. She yelled with so much despondency and emotions she knew she could feel no more. The whole world seemed to disappear around her as she sobbed inside. Her heart was in tatters, her insides turned inside-out and her mind blank. She had never felt so much hopelessness and helplessness in her life.

She did not even seem to notice as chaos erupted all around her. Neville had cut off the head of Voldemort's snake, the war had begun again. She stood listlessly, until Hermione grabbed her out of the way of tramping giants.

She was dragged into the Great Hall, where fights flourished all around her. Her gaze fell on the bodies of Fred, Lupin and Tonks, and her cold insides seized. _They're dead. Cold and dead. And so is Harry. I never had a chance to tell Fred how much he meant to me. Never had the chance to tell Lupin and Tonks how much I appreciated them, how safe I always felt with them around. And I never had the chance to tell Harry how much I've missed him this year. Never had the chance to tell him I still loved him... AND I NEVER WILL ANYMORE._ Her quiet thoughts turned hostile. She became furious. Furious at the person(s) responsible for all these lost chances. Mad at those who caused so much heartbreaks and bloodshed in Hogwarts tonight. She was livid with rage at Voldemort.

Propelled by immense anger, she moved forward, blasting off any Death Eaters in her way. She wanted to get close to Voldemort. She had never previously felt the desire to kill, but she felt it so intensely now.

She could not get close to him. _Bloody Bellatrix Lestrange!_ She fumed as she took on the evil witch. She was joined by Hermione and Luna, but even with the three of them battling Bellatrix, they were only equals. If they could not get past Bellatrix then she wouldn't be able to go near Voldemort... Ginny Weasley fought her hardest that night, shooting jinxes and curses left, right, centre. She was determined to do as much damage as she can to the Dark Side. She was determined to finish Harry's work, and at the end, she was determined to give up her life.

And she almost did. Bellatrix's Killing Curse missed her by an inch. She found herself pushed roughly away as her mother took on Bellatrix. Her left arm was bleeding, but she did not feel the pain. As she stood with the rest, watching the two duels in the middle of the Great Hall, she wished that the Killing Curse had hit her. She fought back tears as she thought of the lifeless body in Hagrid's arms just a few moments ago -

Bellatrix fell backwards just like Sirius did when he died. The war was almost ending, she could sense it. Voldemort roared as Bellatrix toppled, and he pointed his wand at her mother. Her stomach dropped that instant, but before she could do anything, a Shield Charm was cast between Voldemort and her mother by a loud voice.

The Shield Charm had required just one word to perform. She heard it, and her heart, if any left, clenched. She _knew_ the voice. She knew it so well. With just one word, he had conveyed all his feelings to her. She clutched her wand tightly, not daring to hope...

She gasped. One among the many gasps, yells and roars in the Great Hall.

_He's alive! _

She couldn't believe it. She cupped her mouth with her hands, unable to contain her surprise as she stared him down. _He's alive._ She breathed.

* * *

><p>It was the most torturous twenty minutes of her life.<p>

She stood by the side with the rest of the world, watching Harry and Voldemort exchange words under the air that was fraught with tension. Once again, she heard, but was not listening. She understood everything that was said, but she was so worried for him. She clutched her robes so tightly they almost tore. Her heart pounded with every word that Harry spoke. Like everyone else, and perhaps more than anyone else, she understood that this was _the_ moment.

She knew Harry more than she thought she did. She cared for him and loved him more than she thought herself capable of. Her forehead creased with worry, she was sure she couldn't decide whether to embrace him or hex him if he should come off alive. Her insides churned with every step Harry took, and it took almost all her determination and sense to keep her mouth shut.

As they took the final stance, she forced herself to keep her eyes opened. She was almost bursting with anxiety.

Then, it was all over.

For a second, everyone was still. Everyone holding their breaths.

Then chaos ensued. She felt tears rushing to her eyes as Ron and Hermione ran towards him. This time, she let her tears fall, and she too, ran towards him and gave him a brief hug with a million other people. He was completely overwhelmed by the amount of people rushing forward, crowding around him, hugging him...

She slipped out of the crowd. Tears flowed steadily down her cheek as she retreated into the shadowy part of the Great Hall. It was morning, but it felt like the end of a very long day. She felt all her emotions tumbling down at once and she covered her mouth and ran.

She ran out of the Great Hall, down the stone steps and fell on her knees onto dirt and earth as the sun began rising in the distance. She allowed her emotions to get the better of her as she shook with tears of anguish, tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of hope, tears of love. Every feeling that had been repressed was let loose today. She let the tears flow for as long as she had tears. It had been a long time.

* * *

><p>He approached her much later in the day. She had been sitting by the lake when he joined her. She was clear about how she felt, but she had no idea how he did. He had not contacted her for almost a year, had avoided her eyes almost the entire night... She was tired from the release of pent-up emotions. She had no more energy to exert, so she remained still and silent. She stared at the calm surface of the water as he began to speak. He sounded tired and weary, but spoke with a tinge of gentleness she never detected before. She looked up at him, and for the second time in the year, her intense brown eyes caught his brilliant green ones. His fiery gaze burned and she blushed. She needed no more clarification. His hand rested above hers and she felt a small smile tugging at the edge of her mouth. Drained as she was, her heart lurched as he turned towards her and kissed her softly on her forehead. She smiled softly, and he returned her a tired smile. There was nothing left to be said. She leaned into him as they sat quietly, holding hands and feeling very contented. Enervated, but happy. Soaking up the warm sunshine and the precious gift of each another's presence, she thought, and was sure he thought too, <em>there could not have been a better way for everything to end, and for everything to begin anew. <em>Life is good.

END

_30 Nov 2010_


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